Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
Strangers have the best candy.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO