ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
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[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.