My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.