I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
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11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
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Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers