I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
O Wise One….
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”