The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
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i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.