Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Thoughts
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”