Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
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If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.