I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
What a website
Saturday
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
house sitting!
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
twitter users today:
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.