So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
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I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5