Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.