That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
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if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
never forget
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
birds and squirrels envy us
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
oh shit