It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
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I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey