You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Basketball
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
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[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming