You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
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Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I love wikipedia
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.