so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
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I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
A friend helps you before you need it
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
This makes total sense…
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.