The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg