Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
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That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Software Development ⛵️
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL