i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
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I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.