Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
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[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.