Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
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Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more