Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
#Caturday
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?