Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
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I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
respect
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus