@BirdiePanda

Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound

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@bourgeoisalien

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

@KalvinMacleod

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

@hardasamother

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

@TheCiscoKidder

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

@TheRealRHB

Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine

@AbbieEvansXO

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@ericsshadow

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

@Modi_defence

I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?

@954LeenO

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

@SteveDutzy

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman