just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
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The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
When ur friends with white people
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Who called it baking and not making love
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.