wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
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My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
plums roundup
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea: