News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
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Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
what day is it?
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building