There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Lol.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”