I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn