Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
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Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)