no cat here
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We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
How your email finds me
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.