[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
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My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]