Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
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Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.