Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
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[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.