You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
You Might Also Like
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.