You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
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Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Whoa 😂
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.