If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*