Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Would you wear it?
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough