Would you wear it?
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!