People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
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[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”