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[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day