ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
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[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.