[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
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I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
wut hotdog?
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too