Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
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Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I’m giving up ice.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by