Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.