Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
peeping toms
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.