The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.