The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Why font matters.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
“you recording!?”
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
lumberjacks will cut a birch