When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

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Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?


It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing


The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.


I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.


To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?


I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.


Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.


“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”


friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really