When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
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[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving