@AndyShulk

When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.

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@ThisOneSayz

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

@steeve_again

It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing

@Eatingmeals

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.

@weinerdog4life

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

@blairgarner

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

@Lisabug74

I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.

@DiamondLou69

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

@awordforaword

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really