Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
You Might Also Like
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Whisper out to librarians!
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
fr
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
Yup
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.