HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me too