[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
I cannot call her anything else now
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk