Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
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Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.