*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
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my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no