The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
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[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I can also cook 😂
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s