@panmidwest

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

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@Carroll_Amy_

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

@AmishSuperModel

*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*

Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!

@MadamBetteNoire

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

@Cheeseboy22

My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.

@briancthayer

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

@isabelzawtun

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

@spinereader

why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone

@Naked_Superman

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda